From The Horse's Mouth
by Okami No Yume
Summary: In which one of the horses of the Elder Scrolls finally puts his hoof down and protests the treatment of him and his equine brethren. Humor fic.


**From the Horse's Mouth**

**Obligatory Disclaimer:** I'm sure you're all well aware of the the drill. I do not own the Elder Scrolls series. It belongs to the fine folks at Bethesda Studios.

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Dear Adventurers of Skyrim, if it pleases you, I would like a word.

First, allow me to introduce myself. I am a horse from the Whiterun stables, and I speak on behalf of my fellow equines when I say that we take significant issue with how we've been treated.

Now, we horses are strong, hardy creatures that can take a lot of abuse, but I fear that you humans (or Argonians, Elves, etcetera...you know what? I'll simply call you two-leggeds. It's simpler that way.) have taken it a bit too far. I mean, look at the ridiculous things you ask us to do! You expect us to swim through freezing rivers, climb over mountains, (you expect us to defy the very laws of physics and treat us like bloody mountain goats! The nerve!) and take appalling risks that severely compromises our safety. Do you ever stop to think that should one of us put a foot wrong, it could lead to a broken neck or a shattered leg? You do this all in the name of treasure or glory or some other nonsense that we horses have no interest in, and yet in our infinite patience, we put up with it. Somehow.

But, we cart you around on our backs, all to humor you two-leggeds. We gallop willingly into danger against dragons, wolves, bandits, bears, sabre cats and all other manner of beasts-we even defend you since it is our job as your noble steeds-even if some of us do die in the process, and your left to hoof it (haha hoof it-aren't I clever?) back to the last stable and buy another horse to replace the one that valiantly sacrificed its life for your pitiful hide.

Being a horse is a thankless job indeed. Would it be so much to ask for a little appreciation? Perhaps a kind word, a pat on our necks, an apple, some oats? What about removing our tack and brushing us down? After all, a horse that is well-cared for will take you to Oblivion and back if need be. One that is mistreated though does not tend to last very long, as I am sure that those of you who jumped one of my kind off of a sheer cliff face-the _hard_ way.

For the love of the Nine! We horses have to endure abuses that even the legendary Shadowmere would balk at! And then promptly rear up, buck, and thus dump their rider in an unceremonious manner by some gods-forsaken roadside, leaving him or her to walk miles to the nearest town-and rightfully so, might I add. Everyone could do with a dose of humility once in a while.

….Not that I've fantasized about doing such a thing, mind you.

Or perhaps we could stumble and keel over from sheer hunger or exhaustion (or colic, which, might I add, is a particularly nasty way to meet your end if you're of the equine persuasion)-didn't bother to consider that, did you, dear adventurer? Or what if a stone gets lodged in one of our feet, and we come up lame? We horses are just unfeeling machines after all, and don't need to eat, or drink, or rest. Clearly, we horses are made of dwemer metal-or so you two-leggeds seem to think. Heavens forbid you ever stop to bother to think of us as flesh and blood creatures with _feelings_ rather than little more as a convenient mode of transportation.

Who, me, bitter? Not hardly.

All I ask is more fair treatment for me and my brethren-perhaps you could take our welfare into consideration, and not push us so hard on the roads, or expect us to charge into danger, and perhaps even offer us an apple or a carrot or two from time to time? That's not too terribly much to ask, I don't think. I'm quite fond of apples myself, especially the green kind.

I do hope that my humble proposition will at least make you think, dear adventurer, for if you treat us well, then we'll serve you bravely, nobly, and honorably as your loyal mounts.

If not then well, don't be too shocked when one of us tosses your sorry backside and leaves you in the dust as we merrily canter away.

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…...Yeah. I know. It wasn't that funny, but this idea wouldn't leave me alone, since I'm a horse person, and I couldn't help but notice the absurdities of the horses in Skyrim-like how some of them can fly, and how they seem to operate on what I jokingly call "mountain goat physics." I just hope that you'll take this as the tongue-in-cheek bit of silliness that it was intended as. XD


End file.
